I hate the fact that my family sees me as really weird and doesn’t really make an attempt at understanding the stress I’m going through or the things I have to deal with or my interests or literally anything. I work 30-40 hours a week in a job where I spend all my time standing up, and moving around and doing heavy lifting and constant bending and cleaning with bleach and dealing with dust and air particulates which give me constant head colds and then when I get home and clean the kitchen, and at least I’m not taking classes anymore y’know? But I’m not even allowed to be tired. It’s never good enough. I could sell all my belongings, fix my car, repair the A/C, get medicine and surgeries done so our older dog can live out his days in comfort, clean the entire house every day and mow the lawn every week and it still wouldn’t be enough for this fucking family.
Even when I was working 3-4 18 hour days one after another I was getting chastised for being tired all the time seriously? Fuck off I’m falling asleep at my day job because I’m pulling 85 hours a week and the its the reason I got fired because eventually I want to have the independence and security and prosperity I was promised my whole life.
I also just feel like I annoy everyone all the time? Like I try to be clever and witty and it I know its not working and I try to roll with the punches and trade friendly jibes back and forth but no matter where I go I don’t feel like I can actually be who I want to be because I’ll face nothing but criticism and snide comments for every little fucking thing. And I never show any negative emotion in public except when I’m frustrated like not having any real friends growing up and always being excluded taught me to bow out gracefully but shit do people honestly not realize how frustrating this is? And when I do annoy people or people don’t want to deal with me, they don’t say so. They just ignore me. So now anytime I don’t hear from people I assume its because the last time we talked I annoyed them to such an extent that they just don’t want to deal with me and I just hate annoying people and being annoying and I was raised to always be nice to people and try to not judge people so I just want to make everyone around me happy and I don’t know what to do when I can’t and its so frustrating I just want people to be happy I really don’t care about myself I will spend every ounce of my strength to make someone else happy because that’s just who I am. I always try to see the best in people even when I have so much evidence to the contrary and its put me in so many bad situations and kept me in abusive relationships and I’m just tired of trying to interact with people but I get so depressed when I don’t interact with people and its so fucking frustrating
I’m just so tired. So very, very tired. I’m tired and frustrated and I hate being weird and being me and I don’t know what to do or who to talk to anymore because I just don’t want to bother anyone because I don’t feel like I ever do any good any more and I just
I just want to go away forever.